The End

I wrote this piece after falling out with a very close friend, to try and transfer the heartache I felt into something physical, a medium in which I could see my feelings, and try and understand them. Recently, I have felt more and more that friend relationships are severly underated, and the fact that falling out with, or losing a friend that you were close with is sometimes just as painful as the heartbreak caused by ending a romatic relationship. Sometimes, the recovery is just as long, as you figure out who you are without that person, and find other people that perhaps deserve your friendship a little more than that other person did.

I happen to believe that these things happen for a reason, and although losing a friend was so painful to begin with, it pushed me towards others, people I fiinally feel at home with. So, although this piece is a little bitter and negative, it comes from a dark place, which I hope I have since grown from.

The End.

The futures we had planned are gone,

The dreams of that shared house,

The friends for life,

The constant neither of us thought we’d have,

The thing we found in each other that made us hold on so

Tight,

Burn so bright,

Would fall short of its year anniversary.

Neither of us saw it coming,

But you made sure there was no recovery.

All those memories I have, for what?

Joy surges for but a moment,

Until I remember why it’s in the past,

Then joy is replaced by that fearsome ache

That presses on my chest,

That constricting hand of death,

Reminding me that though you are still here,

To me you are gone.

If I could only go back,

To warn myself that I was right,

That all this friendship would do,

Is confirm what I already knew.

That you could never fight for me. The way I would you.

By Liv.

If anyone reading this is struggling with friendships, know that it is natural, people grow and change and that’s ok. Sometimes friendships aren’t meant to last forever, they’re just meant to get you through a specific point in time, until you find who you really are, and the people that you are truly meant to be with.

2019 – it’s not an easy world

What a year 2019 was.  So many ups and downs, I learnt so much about people in that year.  I feel like the whole time I was on a long journey to finding the one thing I’ve always felt like I was missing.  A place I truly belonged. 

I went from thinking I’d found it early on in the year, to feeling like I’d lost it and the many low days that followed led to self-deprecating thoughts of being a failure, of being someone that wasn’t good enough or interesting enough for anyone.  Landing me right back where I’d started, in a place where I was beginning to accept that I would always be alone, that the only person I could really rely on was myself. But, like we all have to, I kept going, because when it comes to life, there really shouldn’t be any other option.

I built relationships back up again, refusing to give in to the temptation that it was perhaps oh so much easier to just embrace being alone.  I knew I could never be happy that way, I needed to keep trying until I found the people that got me, that could love me for who I am, baggage and all. 

In so many ways 2019 was the best year of my life, but also one of the most difficult.  I had achieved everything intellectually that at that point I wanted to.  I knew anything in the academic arena I could have done if I had gone for it, I had enough confidence in myself to know that when I was determined I could do it.  It wasn’t educationally that I felt inadequate.  It was in myself I didn’t feel enough.  I didn’t know who I was anymore, I had a complicated relationship with my Mum which neither of us wanted to revisit for fear it would make our relationship even worse, unsalvageable, and I felt like I didn’t have many close friendships that would look past the cracks and see that despite my mental struggles I wasn’t weak, I just needed a friend. 

I was scared of being misunderstood, of people assuming things that weren’t true, I was scared of being treated differently, like I was fragile, when in reality I was anything but that.  I was just tired of pretending all the time. 

2019 did that for me, it sent me searching for the thing I thought was out of reach.  It gave me a place in a world I had started to doubt was even made for me.  It gave me people that wouldn’t judge, people that understood how struggling felt and wanted to stand by my side rather than try to save me like some superior heroic figure.  It gave me people I could rely on, but also people I could laugh with.  2019 gave me back my relationship with my Mum, I worked through some of my biggest fears, and had conversations that I never thought I’d have the courage to do. 

Maybe it was the right time, the right age that meant I stopped being so afraid of what would happen if I was more open, if I became ‘real.’  I was always the girl at school that had to be perfect, have perfect clothes, perfect make-up, be talking to guys, have an exciting, adventurous life.  Perfection gets tiring.  Leaving and going to university I let go of that, I became a truer version of myself, and I struggled with friendships.  Then, I found the real friends, the ones that didn’t care about perfection, I found a place where I belonged. 

So many people struggle with friendships and home life, they feel like they are completely alone in the world, like no one could ever understand them.  It’s different for everyone of course, but loneliness I can understand, I think we’d be surprised by the amount of people that can.  Unfortunately, we are often our own biggest obstacle, and we have to overcome our own fears and insecurities, figure out who we are before we can tell other people, and expect them to accept us.  It’s not an easy world, it’s a judgemental one, but if all the lonely ones were to come together and form a friendship, I have a feeling we’d outnumber those that aren’t.  So, remember that the next time you feel alone, because in thinking that, you’re not really alone at all, and someday if you keep going long enough it will change, and someone will really see you for who you are.

Liv.

(Instagram = the_olive_blog)

Friendships

Is there a relationship more complicated?  I’ve always struggled to be close to people for fear of being hurt, for fear of being vulnerable.  The truth is though, you reach a new level of friendship when you open up to each other, and yeah that puts you in a vulnerable position but I guess it’s the point of a good relationship and being there for each other that makes it all worth it.

I think it’s just as hard as a breakup though, when it all goes wrong.  The loss of someone you were so close to, that you trusted with everything makes you question why you put yourself out there to be that vulnerable.  Makes you remember all the reasons you don’t get close to people, so that it’s easy to pull away, to defend yourself because you’re not emotionally involved.  After all, isn’t the only person you can really count on yourself?

But when you fall out with that person, how do you move on from it? I really have no idea, I’ve never been close enough to someone to end up being in this position before, so it’s a shame it has come to that now.  It just makes you wonder whether relying on anyone else was ever a good idea, when one misunderstanding sends every insecurity, every anxiety you’ve ever had tumbling down on top of you to the point that you wonder if this is what drowning feels like.  You can’t find you’re feet, can’t find purchase in anything.  Where you once felt more comfortable than anywhere else in the world, including home, you’re now unsure you belong all over again.  It makes you question whether things are ever going to settle.  Perhaps we just can’t rely on people.

That’s the mantra I always used to have, keep everything inside and pretend it’s fine and we’ll be alright.  It became we because it was more comforting that way, as if shifting to plural pronouns would trick my brain into thinking we weren’t just that lonely.  But maybe I always had it right to start with, maybe it’s other people that are more damaging and I was just protecting myself.

Maybe.

But then again, I think probably not.  I can’t deny that as complicated and as difficult as friendships are, when it’s good, it is beyond good.  The feeling that people have your back is so special, especially at uni when you don’t always have family to fall back on.  So, I guess it is worth it with the right people, because I’d hope they value the friendship highly enough, that small things can be risen above, and big things can be talked to solution.  Because, at the end of the day we all care about each other, and I hope that’s enough.

Liv xx