They say that heartbreak is one of the worst things a person can experience, one of the most painful, I wonder if the people who say that have ever lost a best friend? It’s a pretty common concept to come across, that the loss of a close friend is as bad as heartbreak, if not worse. 2019 was the year I felt that truth.
The moment you feel them slip between your fingers, the misunderstandings that leads you to drift apart makes your heart ache as you realise you are powerless to stop it. Even if you tried to make things go back to the way they were, they can’t. Not now. People change, relationships change, but it doesn’t make it any less painful. It’s a hard feeling to describe, because it’s akin to loss and grief, unless you’ve felt it you can’t know it, it’s not just mental it’s physical. It’s the bottomless pit in your stomach, the lump in your throat, the tightness in your chest. The constant discomfort that reminds you you’re missing something, or someone. Although that person may still be here, they’re not here for you, not anymore.
It’s the unanswered questions that tear at you, running around in circles in your mind, chasing away sleep, making you relive painful memories shrouded in fog because you tried to shut it out, to deny it happened. The how could you’s and the why’s? The sheer agony of knowing that one day a person you were closest to in the whole world changed their perception of you so much, they stopped caring about your problems. The moment they became so wrapped up in themselves they no longer saw you, the real you, the you you hid from everyone else for too long. The moment they decided that you weren’t close enough to resolve it, that you weren’t worth it.
Worth. That’s what it truly comes down to. The feeling that you weren’t enough for someone you wholeheartedly cared about, that you loved like family. The knowledge that if you aren’t enough for them who are you enough for? If you failed them, then who else could want you?
It’s a deep feeling, it rips right through you and leaves you winded. It’s hurt, wrapped up in agony wrapped up in anger, wrapped up in confusion, wrapped up in self-hatred and doubt.
To lose two good friends in the space of a couple of months made me feel like I was drowning, like everything I had accomplished, everything I had gotten through had been for nothing, because what was the point if there was no one to share the happiness with? The point was I learnt a lot about people, and about myself. I learnt that, although friends help you so much through all the shit we have to deal with in life, ultimately, it’s myself I have to rely on, to believe in. I learnt that self-love was the thing that was going to make me strong.
Even more so, I learnt that the friends I had been looking for, for what’s felt like my whole life, were right in front of me the whole time, and it took losing the people I thought I needed to see the ones that really cared about me. The friends that would always fight for me, and me for them too.
I wrote this piece after falling out with a very close friend, to try and transfer the heartache I felt into something physical, a medium in which I could see my feelings, and try and understand them. Recently, I have felt more and more that friend relationships are severly underated, and the fact that falling out with, or losing a friend that you were close with is sometimes just as painful as the heartbreak caused by ending a romatic relationship. Sometimes, the recovery is just as long, as you figure out who you are without that person, and find other people that perhaps deserve your friendship a little more than that other person did.
I happen to believe that these things happen for a reason, and although losing a friend was so painful to begin with, it pushed me towards others, people I fiinally feel at home with. So, although this piece is a little bitter and negative, it comes from a dark place, which I hope I have since grown from.
The futures we had planned are gone,
The dreams of that shared house,
The friends for life,
The constant neither of us thought we’d have,
The thing we found in each other that made us hold on so
Burn so bright,
Would fall short of its year anniversary.
Neither of us saw it coming,
But you made sure there was no recovery.
All those memories I have, for what?
Joy surges for but a moment,
Until I remember why it’s in the past,
Then joy is replaced by that fearsome ache
That presses on my chest,
That constricting hand of death,
Reminding me that though you are still here,
To me you are gone.
If I could only go back,
To warn myself that I was right,
That all this friendship would do,
Is confirm what I already knew.
That you could never fight for me. The way I would you.
If anyone reading this is struggling with friendships, know that it is natural, people grow and change and that’s ok. Sometimes friendships aren’t meant to last forever, they’re just meant to get you through a specific point in time, until you find who you really are, and the people that you are truly meant to be with.
(I wrote this sat in a cafe, sat in a seat by a floor to ceiling window staring out at the bright sunny day, with clear blue skies. Despite the pleasantness of the day, all I could think about was what a shame it was I couldn’t see the beauty of the world itself, because my view was so blocked by huge, grey, ugly buildings. So, my inspiration for humanities penchant of ruining the natural world inspired this poem)
The world is never black and white, if you were going to paint it any colour it would have to be varying shades of grey. Varying is the key word. Nothing is the same, no two people with the same mind, no one with identical thoughts. Terrifying. You will never know what is going on behind those smiling eyes planted on the face across from you. What devilish, twisted thoughts do they hide?
It’s always grey though, as if the world has forgotten how to love, or more accurately how to love others. Self-love prevails it seems.
You only have to look at yourself to understand why you should be so afraid of other people. Think about your darkest thoughts, the ones you hide in the deepest recesses of your mind, the ones you’d rather no one ever knew about. Those secrets that will never be uttered out loud. Then think about the thoughts a psychopath might entertain, and then follow through on. If common perception is correct those thoughts, fantasies even, would have to be much worse than your own.
Why is it though, that our thoughts sometimes, perhaps more often than any of us would care to admit, stray into the deviant, into the psychopathic, into the deranged? What draws us to be so fascinated with the dark side every human contains? Is it the constraints of our society that make us want to rebel against those that would try to control us? Or is it something more innate within our nature, that makes every human being capable of some heinous act.
If I were to ask you whether you would kill someone in self-defence, if it were a case of either you die, or they die, would you do it? I can’t imagine a scenario in which anyone would say truthfully that they would lie down and allow their life to be unjustly taken. If we are to take that as it is, then surely there is an argument suggesting all humans will kill in certain situations, perhaps that situation pertains to self-defence much less often than we might think, or want to think. Surely, if there is one scenario where killing is acceptable to most, then there are others, after all, have we not all fantasised at least once about killing someone?
Perhaps I will come back to these points, but the bottom line is, when people ask, what are you most afraid of? The only rational answer in my opinion, is people, because we can never truly know what motivates, what drives another person, we will never know what anyone else thinks about, what they fight with themselves about. That makes people unknown, but if the only person you can really know, and therefore trust is yourself, then where does that leave us in a world where our survival is compromised by beings of our own species?
So, what am I trying to say? I’m saying be wary, because sometimes people that you think you know surprise you, and you have to remember that perhaps you never really knew them after all. Or perhaps, you only saw what they wanted you to see. People are unpredictable and that makes them dangerous.
Everyday is just the same, a monotonous type of fairytale Where nothing happens out of the ordinary and everyday is kinda dreary We work at school and then we work for our bread Until eventually we die when we have nothing left. We only get one life and yet it seems very few of us live it, We conform to the status quo with barely a query, An unquestioning bunch that can’t think for ourselves, We let the elites make the rules because it has never been down to anyone else, A life robbed of fun because of the focus on safety, And technological inventions that take the fun out of everything. Want to go shopping? Sure, what shall we order?
Interpret this poem as you will, but I wrote it in reference to the fact that I spend a lot of time caught up in my own head, and as wonderful as dreams can be to personify what you want in life, and what your ultimate aspirations are, sometimes we need to remember to stay in the present so that we don’t miss the opportunities that will lead to those dreams. Sometimes, it is better to concentrate on all the good things we have right now rather than taking a, ‘the grass is always greener on the other side’ approach that will leave us forever unfulfilled.
Turning, spinning, wishing, dreaming,
Dreaming of a life better than this one,
Of excitement, of happiness, popularity and love.
High, up above reality, up above stress, worry, reality
In her tower she is safe, in her tower she is loved,
A tower of fairy-tales and dreams,
Of princes and happy endings, of best friends,
And undying relationships.
Of heartbreak and trauma coupled with moving on and being strong.
A fantasy that confirms the alienating atmosphere of reality
A tower providing a false sense of security
A perch high above responsibility
Providing short-term relief and giving way to a hard fall.
A fall bringing her back to her senses,
There can be no escape from the constrains of life,
Except a release from life itself.
There is a reason the afterlife is described as a paradise,
Because our present lives are personified by the saying