Sadness without explanation

I have never found depression an easy topic to talk about, I still feel as though people won’t believe me, or they will assume that it is a cry for attention, when in reality it was the complete opposite. I would have done anything to make sure people didn’t know how unhappy I was with my life, because I had no specific reason for feeling that way, so how could I expect people to understand? I don’t blame people when they don’t, I barely understand it myself.

I found this short diary entry from February 2017, when I was going through a rough patch and couldn’t quite convince myself I was worth it. Perhaps this will give an insight into how my brain was working at the time.

Diary entry February 2017:

There is a saying that ‘life gets you down’ because life is tough. We all know that. But what do you do when there is nothing in your life to get you down, but you feel that way anyway?

What do you do when you feel so sad inside and yet so numb and empty at the same time?

My resolution was to talk to somebody about it, but I don’t want to talk about it, because voicing it means that I have to accept that this is real. And it also means that I have to try and explain it, and I honestly don’t even know where to start.

It’s sadness without explanation, therefore it is sadness without solution.

How can anyone hope to understand, when I can barely understand it myself?

How can I feel so alone and yet be sat in the middle of school with hundreds of people about?

Today I wanted to get help rather than run away, but again I am at a loss as to how to ask for it. There’s a hand around my throat that stops me from voicing the words, but perhaps that’s a good thing, too much would change if I was to talk about it, and I’m not sure I’m ready for that.

Normally, I’m not a negative person at all, I have a pretty positive outlook for the future, and strongly believe that if you work hard enough at anything then you’ll be successful in some capacity. In those times of depression though, it was incredibly difficult for me to stay in that mindset, and I was even more stressed about ensuring other people didn’t see that, most importantly my family, because I didn’t want to also bring them down.

In reality though, when I finally was able to talk to someone, it made such a difference, and allowed me to come to terms with what I was dealing with, and how I could better myself.

Boredom is dangerous

Boredom is dangerous.  It won’t be an extreme sport that kills me, a stupid drunk mistake, or being kidnapped in a third world country.  It will be boredom.  As reckless as it might sound, I’d rather take risks, feel adrenaline and not have the thoughts of ‘what if…’, always playing in the back of my mind.  What if what?  What if we lived a little?  Today’s society is all about risk assessments and health and safety.  

I’m the type of person that needs to be doing things all the time, that needs to be busy and active.  Recently I’ve realised that the days when I have no plans, when I don’t see anyone outside of my own house, where I spend the majority of it curled up in bed, gives me far too much time to think about how I’m so fucking lonely. When in reality, I’m not at all, it just seems that there is something wired into my brain that makes me feel that way, and when I’m all alone I am unable to convincingly persuade myself otherwise. 

I have to do things that are productive and interesting, it seems where a lot of people are afraid of change, I crave it.  I want to do crazy, stupid, impulsive things, just for the rush, so I can feel like my life is interesting.  So maybe, when you look at it like that, I am just an adrenaline junkie that probably is going to meet their end doing some extreme sport…

 If I take a deep interpretation of death though, I feel like even if boredom is unable to physically harm you, if you’re permanently bored then you’re hardly living at all.  Life is supposed to be exciting after all, the world is what we make it, or so they tell us. 

What I find hard though, is how to keep my mind active all of the time, sometimes when my mind is not entertained, I find it so hard to keep all my thoughts contained, I pace my room trying to think of some way to enjoy a day without plans or friends.  It only takes one day of overactive overthinking to put me right back in that insecure place where I forget all the positives in my life.  It’s in that way that boredom is dangerous to me, it may not be physically harmful, but it can be mentally. 

It’s ridiculous to think that in a world so full of opportunities, so full of campaigns to be fought, and stunningly beautiful sights just waiting to be discovered, that boredom is even a thing, but perhaps boredom is, more often than not, coupled with laziness.  Sometimes, we all get in that frustrating place where we are bored out of our minds, but at the same time we have no energy or resolve to do anything about it, or do anything at all.  I’ve decided for my own mental health I can’t be like that anymore, I need every day from now on to have a purpose.  It doesn’t have to be a big one, but I think if I know that I have a reason to be there in that day, to be present and not just caught up in my head, then that will help ease the boredom I seem to be plagued by. 

Fitness Journey

My mat says ‘Positive mind, Positive vibes, Positive life’

I have always been a very active person, but I have never been paticuarly sporty or athletic. I’ve always been very average when it came to PE at school, and never really wanted to take part in any group sports because I was afraid I wasn’t good enough, which of course meant I never gave myself the chance to get good. Now though, I am trying to focus on getting fit, not only for my physical health, but also mentally.

Fitness has become a really important part of my life, it enables me to clear my head and really allows me to de-stress. I have a really active mind, and it’s often difficult to find ways to keep entertained, or even to keep up with everything that’s going on up there. Excercise has become a really great outlet for all of that, and gives me such a sense of euphoria afterwards.

I have started to do Pilates and Body Balance on a regular basis, which is a really tranquil excercise that allows me to find a peaceful moment, where I’m not really thinking at all, just focusing on the movements and stretches, and getting lost in the calming music.

This fitness has had a really positive impact on my mental wellbeing, allowing me to de-stress and put things in perspective. Therefore, I have decided to monitor some of my progress in flexibilty and balance. I am not currently flexible at all, but I’ve given myself a goal to improve, in the hope it will motivate me to continue!

These pictures give you an idea of some of the stretches I will be doing and the level I am currently at, so follow my progress on here and instagram to see how I get on!

First Year of University

Everyone tells you that the first year of university will be the best year of your life, and in many ways it is.  However, in some ways it is also the most difficult. 

What is so often neglected to talk about is also the sheer amount of change that happens all around you, and how sometimes it becomes overwhelming.  There are a lot of things to juggle, making friends, going out, trying to organise your timetable and find classes whilst exhausted (and most probably hungover and coming down with freshers’ flu), all while trying to make a good impression on the people you’ve been told are going to be your life-long friends. 

I don’t mean that to sound scary, because freshers is so much fun, but it’s okay to also feel overwhelmed, unsure and a little scared about it all too.  I think the expectation that first year will be the best year of your life sometimes makes it all a little harder to deal with, because you might feel like you’re doing it wrong if it’s not as perfect as you thought.  I guarantee you you’re not. 

Change isn’t supposed to be easy, it’s supposed to be unexpected and unpredictable.  There will be amazing high points, but you have to expect that there will be low points too, just like with everything, and then you can make sure you look after yourself until things inevitably get good again. 

Another thing to bear in mind is that, whilst it is true that you make some of your best friends at university, this does not necessarily mean it’s immediate.  So, don’t worry if you struggle to find your perfect friendship group in the first few weeks, or whole first semester even.  For me, my friendships changed so much and so rapidly all throughout first year, and it was only by the end of second semester that I felt I really knew who my close friends were.  Although struggling to find where you stand with friendship groups isn’t something people generally openly talk about, I think you’ll find it’s something a lot of people feel in that first year. 

That’s not to say I didn’t have such a good time, because I really truly did, there is such a wide range of diverse people to get to know, and I’ve definitely cried more tears of laughter just this year than the rest of my entire almost 20-year-old life combined.  It’s just I think too often people say their first year at uni was the best year of their life, just because that is what is expected.  Personally, I have a feeling year 2 is going to be just as epic, if not more so. 

So, if you’re off to university this autumn have an amazing time, good luck, and don’t worry if it’s harder than you thought.  That’s normal!

Just remember sometimes the expectation that something is going to be the best thing ever, makes it a little harder.

Polluted planet, polluted mind

POLLUTED PLANET; POLLUTED MIND

When our planet is dying
When our people are getting fatter
When suicide is a leading factor
Of death in first world countries

Do you think maybe there’s a link?
And maybe that’s our connection with the environment?

But if nature is our miracle cure,
Stop throwing rubbish on your mother’s floor.

Olivia.

Check out my instagram account below too!

Coming out

You probably clicked on this because you think I came out as gay. Not so I’m afraid, although I called it ‘coming out’ in my mind because I feel like there is nothing else that I could liken it to.

I’ve lived my entire 19, almost 20 year old life bottling everything up inside, and although that didn’t neccessarily stop me from doing all the things I ever set my heart on, it also didn’t make it easy, and ment I had a lot of low points when I felt totally alone and misunderstood. I’m a very deep thinker, and sometimes I can get lost inside my head, sometimes I wish I could stay lost in there forever, because it often feels harder to face realty than what goes on up there. I think the main thing that I struggled with, and soemtimes still do, is that I feel very different to everyone else, a bit of an outsider. I struggled with how I’ve always seemed to see the world from a very different angle than my friends, even from a young age, and it made me think perhaps there was something wrong with me, and it made me question why anyone would want to be friends with me, because I wasn’t like everyone else. I overthought every small interaction, and that led to me being insecure, and prone to depressive thoughts.

For the majority of my life I never told anyone how I felt, not even my family. Until I finally got the courage to sit my Mum down and tell her how I was really feeling. I’m going to preface this by saying that I have very loving and supportive parents, I didn’t say anything to them because I didn’t want them to feel guilty, and I was also afraid that it would be like I had somehow failed.

It is perhaps an understatement though to say that my mother was shocked, and she said some things that she probably regrets now, because she does love me and support me in everything. The one comment that sticks in my head, is she told me ‘I think you want to be depressed.’

See, it’s not always plain sailing when you tell someone you love, something shocking, sometimes they don’t know how to react, and so they react in the worst possible way, initially. Emphasis on initially, because after a long chat, my Mum began to understand where I was coming from, and immediately started to list roads we could take to help me, just like Mums do.

I don’t blame her for reacting the way she did, I know it’s confusing to hear someone tell you that there not as okay as you thought they were. She later wrote me a message to tell me that she would always be there for me, even if she didn’t fully understand, because I was her daughter, and nothing would ever change that.

I think I’m writing this entry because it’s important to know that sometimes we have to be prepared for people to misunderstand, but we have to be patient and make them listen until they do.

Although it’s scary, it’s also such a weight off my shoulders to know I have my parents there for me now, in a way they couldn’t have been before. Family is one of the most important things in my life, and I know that now more than ever.

“Perfect”

Practicing smiles in the mirror

Memorising a charade of perfect humour

To hide the truth of your despair

That in reality you’d rather be anywhere than there

And all you really want to do

Is cry alone on the floor of the loo

Contemplating in life itself

And wondering how you’ll ever reach that shelf

Upon which you’ve placed all your hopes and dreams

That realistically could never be

Because all you’ll ever really be

Is a failure to those who see you as perfect

When you break down and realise you can’t quite work it

Because social situations make you anxious

And often you can’t even say a word

Because self-doubt takes it upon himself

To strangle the phrases from your mouth

So maybe you shouldn’t even really try

Because you know this is only going to end in a cry.


So, remember to practice that smile in the mirror

And memorise that perfect humour

So that if no one looks at you too deep

They might not think that you’re that weak

And maybe if you rehearse the conversations

It won’t seem like you talk to yourself about your anxious reservations.