The Beginning

(a repsonse piece to my poem The End, see below)

They say that heartbreak is one of the worst things a person can experience, one of the most painful, I wonder if the people who say that have ever lost a best friend?  It’s a pretty common concept to come across, that the loss of a close friend is as bad as heartbreak, if not worse.  2019 was the year I felt that truth.

The moment you feel them slip between your fingers, the misunderstandings that leads you to drift apart makes your heart ache as you realise you are powerless to stop it. Even if you tried to make things go back to the way they were, they can’t. Not now.  People change, relationships change, but it doesn’t make it any less painful.  It’s a hard feeling to describe, because it’s akin to loss and grief, unless you’ve felt it you can’t know it, it’s not just mental it’s physical.  It’s the bottomless pit in your stomach, the lump in your throat, the tightness in your chest. The constant discomfort that reminds you you’re missing something, or someone.  Although that person may still be here, they’re not here for you, not anymore. 

It’s the unanswered questions that tear at you, running around in circles in your mind, chasing away sleep, making you relive painful memories shrouded in fog because you tried to shut it out, to deny it happened.  The how could you’s and the why’s?  The sheer agony of knowing that one day a person you were closest to in the whole world changed their perception of you so much, they stopped caring about your problems.  The moment they became so wrapped up in themselves they no longer saw you, the real you, the you you hid from everyone else for too long. The moment they decided that you weren’t close enough to resolve it, that you weren’t worth it. 

Worth. That’s what it truly comes down to.  The feeling that you weren’t enough for someone you wholeheartedly cared about, that you loved like family.  The knowledge that if you aren’t enough for them who are you enough for? If you failed them, then who else could want you?

It’s a deep feeling, it rips right through you and leaves you winded.  It’s hurt, wrapped up in agony wrapped up in anger, wrapped up in confusion, wrapped up in self-hatred and doubt.

It’s human.

To lose two good friends in the space of a couple of months made me feel like I was drowning, like everything I had accomplished, everything I had gotten through had been for nothing, because what was the point if there was no one to share the happiness with?  The point was I learnt a lot about people, and about myself.  I learnt that, although friends help you so much through all the shit we have to deal with in life, ultimately, it’s myself I have to rely on, to believe in.  I learnt that self-love was the thing that was going to make me strong. 

Even more so, I learnt that the friends I had been looking for, for what’s felt like my whole life, were right in front of me the whole time, and it took losing the people I thought I needed to see the ones that really cared about me.  The friends that would always fight for me, and me for them too.

It wasn’t the end at all, it was the beginning.

Liv.

The End

I wrote this piece after falling out with a very close friend, to try and transfer the heartache I felt into something physical, a medium in which I could see my feelings, and try and understand them. Recently, I have felt more and more that friend relationships are severly underated, and the fact that falling out with, or losing a friend that you were close with is sometimes just as painful as the heartbreak caused by ending a romatic relationship. Sometimes, the recovery is just as long, as you figure out who you are without that person, and find other people that perhaps deserve your friendship a little more than that other person did.

I happen to believe that these things happen for a reason, and although losing a friend was so painful to begin with, it pushed me towards others, people I fiinally feel at home with. So, although this piece is a little bitter and negative, it comes from a dark place, which I hope I have since grown from.

The End.

The futures we had planned are gone,

The dreams of that shared house,

The friends for life,

The constant neither of us thought we’d have,

The thing we found in each other that made us hold on so

Tight,

Burn so bright,

Would fall short of its year anniversary.

Neither of us saw it coming,

But you made sure there was no recovery.

All those memories I have, for what?

Joy surges for but a moment,

Until I remember why it’s in the past,

Then joy is replaced by that fearsome ache

That presses on my chest,

That constricting hand of death,

Reminding me that though you are still here,

To me you are gone.

If I could only go back,

To warn myself that I was right,

That all this friendship would do,

Is confirm what I already knew.

That you could never fight for me. The way I would you.

By Liv.

If anyone reading this is struggling with friendships, know that it is natural, people grow and change and that’s ok. Sometimes friendships aren’t meant to last forever, they’re just meant to get you through a specific point in time, until you find who you really are, and the people that you are truly meant to be with.