Are we all alone at heart?

Is a part of being human, being alone at heart?

Are we all struggling with battles that no one else can see, that makes us different people on the inside?

I feel like I’m lost, and not because I don’t know what I want to do with my life, because I’m pretty certain of that, but because a lot of the time I feel so cripplingly alone it’s suffocating.

But why?

I know I’m not, I have good friends, best friends, for the first time in my entire life, I have people who care, that I can talk to.  Yet, it’s like this feeling of absolute loneliness is embedded so deep inside of me its never going to matter how many people I have telling me that they’re there for me, I’m always going to be alone inside.  It is suffocating. 

The worst part is every time I get to a point where I should reach out, talk to a friend, my mind makes up a million reasons why they wouldn’t care, why I shouldn’t bother them, why we’re not as close as I thought we were.  The voices in my head make me believe that I have no one, and I still haven’t figured out how to tell them they’re wrong.  Maybe because, it had been true for so long it’s hard to believe it’s not anymore. 

They say the hardest part is telling someone that you’re struggling.  I think the hardest part is to keep telling them.   

I think that’s why I started this blog, because talking to people about what you went through in the past seems to be something I’ve mastered, but I still struggle to let people in when it comes to the things that still get to me. 

Or is that just a part of being human, that we’re all alone at heart?

One thing we can be certain of, is that we don’t live in a society that is designed to be accepting, but that at least is something we can change.   I hope by being more open and accepting of everything and everyone we can put an end to that.

Maybe then, it will not be so difficult to figure out where it is that I, and all of us, belong.    

Where do we belong?

Have you ever felt like you belonged somewhere? Really belonged? Somewhere where the people don’t judge you, or you have no fear of being judged.  There aren’t cliques or worries of being friends with the right people.  There just people, people like you, trying to find their way in world full of monsters that aren’t exciting like the ones we find in fantasy, but are instead made from humanity themselves.  Our heroes don’t have the luxury of saving the world from an alien enemy, because in reality, the only enemy we have is ourselves, humans. We care too much about our image, about what people think of us, we tend to forget what really matters.

It’s hard to find a place in the world when your species is destroying it, when it seems humanity itself is no longer fit to be here.  I hate the greed that our species seems to harbour, the pointless jobs that only serve human needs, not the needs of the world.  Or shouldn’t they be the same thing?  I think a lot of people feel that way, but we tend to give in to society, to peer pressure. 

There are many religions in this world, but why do so few worship mother nature?  It is only by her grace that we keep living, and you can’t deny it.  Whether you believe in religion or in science if we continue to destroy her, climate change will strike back, and then there will be no one left to feel out of place and depressed in a world we have made sick. 

There are few moments in this life when I have felt completely alive, all nerves awake and feeling, and all of these have been when in connection with the beauty of nature.  A stunning sunrise, a meadow, a forest alive with colour and sounds, proof that we have not destroyed everything beautiful quite yet. 

I think it’s no wonder mental health illnesses are on the rise when we have polluted our planet to the point we consume microplastics without noticing and our seas are sick with the same poison.  How can we claim to belong anywhere, when our own planet, the only home we all share, is rejecting us because our self-obsessed greed is leading to the extinction of innocent animals that we share this Earth with.  Should we be surprised that we feel alone?

We have to take responsibility and make it right, create a world where we all belong, humans and nature alike, because if we don’t, climate change will make it right for us, and there will no place for humanity in that world.

I Don’t Want to Pretend

From year 10 to year 12 at school I didn’t feel much of anything.  Towards the end of year 10 and the start of year 11 I had lost a number of people to various different illnesses, and every day from then on, wasn’t about living or enjoying life, it was just about getting to the end of that day.  The only thing that made me get out of bed in the morning was the promise that this day had to end, and then I could get back into my bed. 

It was a time when I hated being alone because that was when I became trapped inside a mind that was plagued with horrible thoughts that I couldn’t get away from.  Yet, at the same time I wanted nothing more than to be alone because being around people meant I had to pretend to be something I didn’t even know how to feel anymore, happy. 

So, I isolated myself, from my family, my friends.  I held everyone at an arms-length because having strong relationships with people would mean that they might notice that something was wrong, and I didn’t want people to think that I was weak.  Everyday was like a game, remember to smile, laugh, be happy.  I don’t think I even realised I was doing it half the time, I became somebody I thought everybody else wanted me to be, I got good grades, I was nice to everyone, I didn’t have my own opinion because I seriously doubted anyone would care.  I was like an empty vessel that waited for other people to show me how to be, because honestly?  The last thing I wanted to do, was think, make decisions and risk losing anything.  

I was clever, and a compulsive liar.  I fooled everyone, people only saw what I wanted them to see, if I was imperfect in any way, it was because I wanted to be, to seem normal.  I thought that would make me happy, until I realised I had never been more alone.

I hadn’t lost myself, but I had locked her away into a part of my mind I reserved only for myself, so that I could become someone else.

I was so repressed, so unfulfilled that as the numbness faded away I was overtaken by anger at the world, at society, for holding me back.  I wanted to scream at everything for making me feel like I couldn’t just be me, but that wouldn’t help.

So, I did something I couldn’t take back, I decided to screw the universe for making me feel so small in so many ways, and I started to open up about some of the issues I have faced, and my journey in overcoming them.  I became the person I really am, and sometimes that’s hard, because it’s natural instinct for me to want to hide away and pretend that I’m fine.  But, I have some of the best friends that I have ever had, because I have opened up to them, and although I still have points when I think it would be easier to just pretend, I know I’m happier now, and I don’t want to lose that. 

This is it for me, I know that in my heart I am going to defeat this depression because I know who I am now, I’m able to embrace that, accept that, and move forward. 

I never want to go back to the days when, ‘this day has to end’ was my mantra.

  Now, I try to live every day to it’s fullest, and that doesn’t always work out, but that’s okay, because I’ll get there, I know I will. 

Twists and Turns

The twists and turns that catch you off guard,

 throw you off kilter and drain you of energy.  

The happiness that is elation that gets you so high

you walk the clouds of your dreams,

above the obstacles of life,

but when the depression comes on the next bend you fall from your high perch,

through the floor and down 6 foot more,

until the numbness takes over and you can’t feel anything anymore,

at least until the next turn in that long road and then elation returns,

and you forget there was anything wrong at all

-Mental illness

The Struggle of Truth

A part of me believes that if I continue to pretend that nothing is wrong, then nothing needs to change.  As if willing something to be a certain way would ever actually make it happen, but fear of the alternative makes us hope for something we realistically know can never be. 

You see, I am scared, and I’m not afraid to admit it anymore, because the prospect of telling the people you care about, your family, that you are having mental health issues involving depression and anxiety has every right to fill you with dread. 

I know that what I really need to do, is to stop pretending, to stop hiding, and to start talking.  I know that because it’s what I really want to do, so that I can be absolutely me, rather than having to put on a façade of fake smiles on my bad days, and rather have people surrounding me that actually understand.  The difficulty of this is, I have no idea how I’m supposed to tell my parents, because how do you tell the people that you love most in the world that the daughter they thought was so strong, is struggling, and has been struggling for a really long time?

How do you tell them that without hurting them?  Without making them feel guilt that they have absolutely no right to feel?

It is for this reason I have stayed silent for so long, and every person I do open up to about this side of me, and every conversation I have about these feelings only serves to deepen my own guilt that my parents weren’t the first people that I went to when I started feeling this way, that I favoured talking to strangers over them.  I know to my Mum this would seem like betrayal. 

So, where do we go from here?  It seems inconceivable to me, I’ve gotten myself stuck in a place where I started to seek help, where I took a step in the right direction only to be held back by the paralysing fear of having my relationship with my family irreversibly change because they might not fully understand what I’m trying to tell them. 

Perhaps this is an issue that a lot of people struggling with their mental health face, because what really holds us back is the fear and shame of having the people we most want to make proud realise that you’re not quite managing things as well as they thought. 

Perhaps, really all this is, is my self-doubt that makes me worry so much about my family’s reaction, perhaps if I simply sat them down and had a truthful conversation then everything would be fine. 

The problem with that is, we can never really know until we bite the bullet and tell them, but what happens if that bullet becomes familial suicide that I’ll never be able to rectify?   I guess the only way to find out is to get a grip and fire. 

The Tower

Interpret this poem as you will, but I wrote it in reference to the fact that I spend a lot of time caught up in my own head, and as wonderful as dreams can be to personify what you want in life, and what your ultimate aspirations are, sometimes we need to remember to stay in the present so that we don’t miss the opportunities that will lead to those dreams.  Sometimes, it is better to concentrate on all the good things we have right now rather than taking a, ‘the grass is always greener on the other side’ approach that will leave us forever unfulfilled. 

The Tower

Turning, spinning, wishing, dreaming,

Dreaming of a life better than this one,

Of excitement, of happiness, popularity and love.

High, up above reality, up above stress, worry, reality

And love.

In her tower she is safe, in her tower she is loved,

A tower of fairy-tales and dreams,

Of princes and happy endings, of best friends,

And undying relationships.

Of heartbreak and trauma coupled with moving on and being strong.

A fantasy that confirms the alienating atmosphere of reality

A tower providing a false sense of security

A perch high above responsibility

Providing short-term relief and giving way to a hard fall.

A fall bringing her back to her senses,

There can be no escape from the constrains of life,

Except a release from life itself. 

There is a reason the afterlife is described as a paradise,

Because our present lives are personified by the saying

‘the grass is always greener on the other side.’

Belief

God doesn’t stop bad things happening, he gives you the strength to keep going when they happen.’ 

I have not been to a church since I was 6 years old, I do not consider myself a religious person.  I wouldn’t go so far to say I am an atheist, but I am definitely not an all-out Christian.  The truth is I have honestly never really thought about faith and what relationship that could possibly have in my own life.  Until now.  Ever since I have accepted that I am struggling with mental health illnesses I have been looking for ways to change up my lifestyle to give myself every opportunity to have a healthier mind.  In doing so I began to get curious about the church as some of my friends at university go every week, and the way they talked about the community made me think that that was what I wanted.  I wanted to be part of a positive community that would give me something to believe in. 

So, with that in mind I found myself in church on Sunday 19th May for the first time in over 13 years, and I can tell you it was the most amazing experience.  The first part of the service was all singing worship and the music was so hopeful it moved me to tears.  The lyrics just spoke to me as if everyone in the room was telling me that there was hope and there always will be, that I am not alone and that I would be okay.  I found myself overcome with emotion, openly crying in a room filled with around 500 people, without caring, which is incredibly unusual for me as I would usually hide my emotions away.  It was invigorating to feel like I didn’t care if people saw I was upset, because I wasn’t really, I was crying because the feeling I was experiencing was so strongly of hope and happiness, of a belief that I really would get myself, if not cured of depression, then at least to a place where it couldn’t drag me down anymore. 

I realised then, surrounded by all these people that clearly wanted the best for everyone, that would pray for strangers without even fully knowing what was wrong, that even if I was unclear as to what I believed in in terms of God and Jesus, I could have faith in people like these.  I could have faith in the message they were giving, I could have faith that the sheer determination these people had in healing you of your struggles would give me the strength I needed to heal myself. 

‘God doesn’t stop bad things from happening, he gives you the strength to keep going when they happen.’  I think I must have read this somewhere, but I think for me this is what God and Christianity means.  I by no means believe everything Christianity entails, but I do believe that faith gives you something to believe in, and some comfort in the dark times that you will make it to the other side.