Friendships

Is there a relationship more complicated?  I’ve always struggled to be close to people for fear of being hurt, for fear of being vulnerable.  The truth is though, you reach a new level of friendship when you open up to each other, and yeah that puts you in a vulnerable position but I guess it’s the point of a good relationship and being there for each other that makes it all worth it.

I think it’s just as hard as a breakup though, when it all goes wrong.  The loss of someone you were so close to, that you trusted with everything makes you question why you put yourself out there to be that vulnerable.  Makes you remember all the reasons you don’t get close to people, so that it’s easy to pull away, to defend yourself because you’re not emotionally involved.  After all, isn’t the only person you can really count on yourself?

But when you fall out with that person, how do you move on from it? I really have no idea, I’ve never been close enough to someone to end up being in this position before, so it’s a shame it has come to that now.  It just makes you wonder whether relying on anyone else was ever a good idea, when one misunderstanding sends every insecurity, every anxiety you’ve ever had tumbling down on top of you to the point that you wonder if this is what drowning feels like.  You can’t find you’re feet, can’t find purchase in anything.  Where you once felt more comfortable than anywhere else in the world, including home, you’re now unsure you belong all over again.  It makes you question whether things are ever going to settle.  Perhaps we just can’t rely on people.

That’s the mantra I always used to have, keep everything inside and pretend it’s fine and we’ll be alright.  It became we because it was more comforting that way, as if shifting to plural pronouns would trick my brain into thinking we weren’t just that lonely.  But maybe I always had it right to start with, maybe it’s other people that are more damaging and I was just protecting myself.

Maybe.

But then again, I think probably not.  I can’t deny that as complicated and as difficult as friendships are, when it’s good, it is beyond good.  The feeling that people have your back is so special, especially at uni when you don’t always have family to fall back on.  So, I guess it is worth it with the right people, because I’d hope they value the friendship highly enough, that small things can be risen above, and big things can be talked to solution.  Because, at the end of the day we all care about each other, and I hope that’s enough.

Liv xx

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